My powerful woman debut returns with director, producer, and founder of Trixie Films, Therese Shechter. As a native Canadian, she started her career in media with the Toronto Star, moved on to the Chicago Tribune, and then worked for Robert De Niro’s Tribeca Productions. Frustrated by the lack of narratives that mirrored her own life, she ventured into creating films that use humor to explore a host of thorny questions around women’s roles and destinies.

 It was August 1st (International Childfree Day), and as I was scrolling through social media, the trailer for My So-Called Selfish Life popped up, with the center of the film surrounding “choosing not to have kids in a culture where motherhood feels mandatory” -I instantly connected and started streaming the film. I reached out to Therese Shechter, and we discussed one of our biggest social taboos- choosing not to be a mother.

In my book, The Parenthood Pendulum, I discuss how I challenged the societal norms and the importance of paving a path for younger girls, such as my nieces, to feel empowered and supported to choose the life path that suits them best. Many of our mothers and grandmothers took up marriage and family by default since womanhood has historically been interchangeable with motherhood. Therese addressed, “women didn’t have a lot of options. In the US, women couldn’t even open their own bank accounts until the 1960s, so, attaching yourself to a man by marriage was an economic necessity for many women. Wealthier women sometimes had more freedom to take alternative paths if they had access to their own resources. Economic freedom, like reproductive freedom, gives women the ability to make the decisions that they want to make.” She continues by saying, “we know there were women throughout history who didn’t want to be married or have children but they did it anyway, because they didn’t have a way to sustain themselves otherwise, or often the pressure was just overwhelming.” Alternatively, women became nuns to evade marriage and childbirth as it was one of the few acceptable options; devote their life to faith and religion or commit themselves to a husband and children. 

Unfortunately, women are placed in these binary boxes. You can be this or that. You are either a prude or a slut. If you’re a feminist, you are a lesbian. If you don’t have children, you are selfish. “We are always called selfish because we are expected to be compliant self-sacrificing people, so anything that we do that we think will be good for us or put ourselves first in some way will be called out as selfish by someone,” proclaims Therese.   

It was important to represent those with children in my book, and Therese agreed they need to be a part of the conversation as she points out, “Parents are dealing with a lot of the pronatalist shit also, to be honest. Parents tell me all the time that if they have one child, there is overwhelming pressure to have a second child. There is no winning. If you have two, someone wants you to have a third, but if you have five, then you have too many.”

Therese and I both know parents who love their life and their choices. They thought about the path they wanted to take and pursued it. With that said, it’s important to remember that the focus is not “that having kids is good or not having kids is bad. What is good is to be able to think about what kind of life you want to live and know you have options. What’s bad is being forced into a life you don’t want, not just for you but everyone around you. What’s bad is not being in control of your fertility; whether you want kids or not is irrelevant.” Therese continues by stating, “this is an issue that affects all of us. These are all incursions into our freedoms and bodily autonomy.” 

As we know, societal messaging is strong. It can be so influential that we often don’t see the hidden manipulation and control behind it. Therese brought up a crucial point: The real focus needs to be, “Who benefits? Why? These are critical questions, especially when we are being told to do things that don’t really sit well with us. I don’t think I want children, so who benefits by talking me into it or threatening me into it, who will ultimately benefit, and why are they so adamant.” 

I understand why procreation was encouraged two centuries ago, but today offsetting population losses is not a concern. Having children was a practical matter that generated the survival of government policies and religious organizations, which included economic benefits for businesses… Then, and quite frankly still. As Dr. Hanne Blank said in Therese’s previous film How to Lose Your Virginity: “Who is doing the controlling and who benefits with the control being done? The answer is never the woman.” 

This discussion is extremely timely with the recent overturning of Roe V. Wade. In June of this year, when the news broke that nearly 50 years of legal protection had vanished, it was beyond disheartening. Especially for someone who does not want to have children. The least helpful response is, “You live in California, you’ll be fine.” We need to rally for the women who have had this option taken away from them. We also need to consider where does this take us in the future? I can get birth control today, but that might not be the case a year from now.

With all this said, this is truly a conversation about each individual given the tools to make the best choice for them and what we can collectively do to ensure that is provided. To make a change, we need to use our numbers and power. 

Therese has been involved with the New Legacy Institute

which is focusing on policy change that supports people without children. 

To spread awareness and spark discussions amongst young people, Therese has made the film available to universities, conferences, non-profits and community groups. Go to Good Docs for more information

To invite Therese to speak at your event, please go here

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