Powerful Woman- Lane O'Shea
I met Lane at the beginning of 2021 through Sean Croxton’s Book Club and instantly was impressed because she is full of wisdom, grit, and truly a powerful woman! In our conversation, Lane and I discussed her marriage and what fueled her to go to law school at the age of 43. In addition, Lane shares about her ability to trust her intuition, ask for help, and believe the universe will always provide. Before we started the interview, I told Lane I knew a little about her career and art, but I wanted her to tell me how it all began. Lane, born in 1961 in Pennsylvania described her childhood as a dysfunctional household where abuse was normalized and her parents were just these harbingers of fucked up relationships. She married at the age of 20 and escaped the agony of living inside the walls of constant contention. However, Lane had a skewed perception of what a healthy relationship was and by the time she realized that she could call her own shots, 20 years had come and gone. However, she “put her life in a blender” and started over, without regret or restrictions...
Ashton-Soulace Seeker: Lane had a self-realization moment at age 27, that ultimately would change the course of her life.
Lane O’Shea: I pursued my undergraduate degree because I had been working in a factory and said to myself, I don't want to work in a factory until I'm dead. This is just not what I have envisioned for my life. So, I thought if I go back to school, I can get my undergraduate degree and then I will have a clear path to what's next.
When I graduated, I realized I really like learning and enjoy moving on to new things. I got a new job in the securities industry, which I loved, and I went headlong into my career. Well, that, wasn't what my husband had in mind. He wanted a traditional Doris Day Hollywood version of a woman who stayed at home, doing laundry and making his breakfast and dinner every day [which she did]. I was the perfect wife, but I was miserable as hell.
I thought, screw this. I am becoming a different person yet I'm trapped in this old life. When I told him I was thinking about going to law school, he said, ‘well, you don't have what it takes to go to law school.’ I thought, okay, does he understand the concept of the straw that broke the camel's back?
I asked myself ‘Why am I doing this?’ Then it dawned on me; the only person who could give me permission to change my life was me and the only thing that was holding me back from changing my life was this concept of commitment. Well, who defines a commitment? The people who made it, and I didn’t agree with the terms of this agreement anymore.
How did you get the courage to make this life-altering change? Did you have anyone who inspired you? Books? Facilitators?
Yeah, so my company offered free mental health counseling if you wanted it. I figured, you know, what’s the harm, let me go talk to this gentleman and see if my perceptions are on target. I was looking for someone to tell me if my interest in a different life was off-kilter or out of bounds, if it was outside of rules? I didn't know what was normal.
So, I went to counseling and my counselor said to me, ‘You seem to have a lot to say and I've only met you twice. That's highly unusual.’ I said, ‘Is that good or bad?’ His reply was, ‘No, it just means that you are ready.’ Since I was telling him how unhappy I was, he suggested bringing in my husband. My husband obliged to come to a session with me.
The counselor asked us, ‘What do you like about each other?’ I will never forget this- I had a really hard time coming up with something and then my husband said, ‘She cleans the house well.’ I felt like I had been punched in the face. I thought I have been what I think is a good wife and this is what I get. Oh my god. Well, guess what? The counselor looked at us and said ‘you two don’t even like each other anymore and I knew he was right and I knew I was done.
Even though she was scared to death, after confiding with dear friends Lane had the impetus to end her 20-year marriage. Her counselor suggested she do it within two weeks.
On the way home, I stopped at an apartment complex and I rented an apartment that day! I didn't care where the money was coming from. At that point, I set the stage for the universe to give me what I needed, and it did!
Were officially divorced when you graduated law school at the age of 47?
Yes, after I moved out of the house the divorce followed shortly thereafter. I left the marriage with the intent of going to law school and it took me three years to get in. Those three years I used to their fullest to explore myself. Once I started school, it was all bets are off and I was totally focused.
I went to law school at night, for four years, while I continued to grow my career. It was crazy, but they were some of the best years of my life because I was surrounded by other people who wanted something more as well. They challenged and inspired me because I was learning more about myself while I was learning law at the same time. I still have dear friends from those crazy days and nights.
Not only have you excelled in your career, but you also have followed your passion for art, tell me more?
I started to get bored and wondered, what else can I do? What more is it that really gets me excited? What is it about myself that I haven't explored?
I saw there was going to be an art show to raise money for the bar association foundation and considered applying. I had all of these pieces that were just sitting under my bed, so I decided to see if there was an appetite for them. I was really nervous about making my art public but I submitted the application, and I got a message back a couple of weeks later saying, ‘I'm proud to tell you that you've been awarded an honorable mention for your piece.’ I kid you not, I turned 50 shades of red and thought, holy crap, somebody in this judging group thinks that my piece has merit.
I love how you really pick up on your intuition and let those little voices or things that stand out help you take the first step?
I'm honed in on it because I'm almost 60 and I have learned to trust that voice because when I haven't, the pain of not listening is worse than avoiding the perceived risk. I really have kind of trained myself to say, what is the worst that can happen?
I have to say that my approach now did not come easy. There was a time when I was stuck in analysis paralysis and some dear friends said to me, ‘Stop thinking - You know, you doubt your ability to cope, to manage, to get things accomplished, and you need to stop doing that because you have accomplished more than you think.’ I never forgot that because they were right.
So, you just go with the gut instinct?
So many times I do that. I have a sense and then I just stop thinking and go for it.
Would you say that is one of your biggest lessons learned in life?
Yeah. Your intuition, your inner voice has more power, more strength, more knowledge than you give it credit for. As much as we all doubt ourselves, there is an equal and opposite voice saying you've got this and if you don’t think you do, then trust the people in your life and ask for help. I didn’t get where I am alone, trust me. There were times when I really needed help and even though it was a struggle because I thought I was supposed to have my shit together, I reached out and learned how much support I really had - I’ve gotten much better at asking for help.
I'm finding myself just emerging into that right now. Really, it’s just telling myself there's a 100% chance the answer will be no if I don’t ask, and if I do ask, there's only a 50%.
What are your future goals, Lane? I know you're not slowing down anytime soon!
No, not slowing down. Oh my goodness. So, I have a job that I've had for a couple of months and I would like to excel in this role and take it to the next level. On the art front, my art really fulfills me and it's my way of expressing myself but also helps to deal with stuff. I've been very fortunate that my art has allowed me to contribute to causes that I care about because when I sell something, I give a portion of those earnings to those entities.
Other than work and my art, it's finding a partner. In the last year or so I have decided that my life will have more meaning if I can have someone in my life who feels like I do; imagine how much we could accomplish together!
It’s all about creating a union that works for the both of you, regardless of how unconventional.
I appreciate what you have shared about being childless by choice because I don't have children, and that was a choice. I couldn't justify in my own mind bringing a child into this world when there are so many children out there that need homes. So I'm going through these renovations on my house right now because there's a part of me that believes I’m going to have an influence on some children's lives. I don’t know what that looks like yet, but I’m following it.
Alright Lane to wrap us up, what is your favorite quote?
“What's the worst that can happen?” -Because none of these decisions I will ever make will kill me and if something is going to kill me, well then, I've lived my life on my own terms.